Should We Share Our Financial Fears? The Hidden Power of What We Say to Ourselves and Each Other

There’s a story I heard recently from a client, passed down from a sports psychologist talking about Emmitt Smith, the legendary NFL running back. Early in his career, someone kept telling him, "Don’t drop the ball, Emmitt. Don’t drop the ball." Predictably, he kept dropping it.

Then one day, a new voice entered the scene and said, "Catch the ball, Emmitt. Catch the ball." And something changed. He started holding on to the ball. His performance shifted, not because his physical skills changed, but because his mental framing did.

This got me thinking about the deeper psychology underneath our fears, especially in relationships, especially around money. Should we share our fears? Or do they just become self-fulfilling prophecies? Do we end up “dropping the ball” in life and love because we’re so afraid we will?

Or, could naming our fears actually help us catch the emotional and relational support we need?

Let’s explore the tension between fear, framing, and connection, especially for couples trying to navigate the beautiful mess of money, dreams, and life together.

The Human Truth, Fear Is Inevitable

To be human is to fear. It’s baked into our nervous system, shaped by our earliest relationships, and heightened by the uncertainty of money. Will we have enough? Will we be okay? Am I failing? Will I disappoint them?

Whether it’s fear of running out of money, fear of repeating a parent’s mistakes, or fear of being judged by a partner, we all carry fears.

But the real question isn’t if we have fear.

It’s, What do we do with it?

The Psychology of Framing, What Are We Telling Ourselves?

The Emmitt Smith story taps into an important psychological principle, framing matters.

Cognitive psychology shows us that the way we frame a problem directly shapes our behavior. In fact, research on ironic process theory (Wegner, 1994) demonstrates that when we try not to think about something (like “don’t drop the ball”), we actually increase our mental focus on that very thing. The result? We’re more likely to act in the very way we fear.

It’s the same for money:

• “Don’t screw this investment up.”

• “Don’t overspend again.”

• “Don’t talk about money with your partner, it’ll just start a fight.”

Each of these fear-based mental scripts reinforces anxiety, shame, and avoidance.

But when we shift the framing, “Stay focused on your plan,” “Practice healthy spending,” “Talk honestly even if it’s hard,” we orient ourselves toward what we want, not what we fear.

That orientation matters.

The Relationship Question, Should We Share Our Fears?

Here’s where things get more nuanced. Should we say those fears out loud to our partner?

The answer is, sometimes yes, sometimes no, but always with intention.

Sharing our fears can:

• Create connection. Vulnerability breeds intimacy. When one partner says, “I’m afraid we’re behind financially, and I don’t know what to do,” it opens the door to honest collaboration.

• Generate empathy. Naming fear allows your partner to respond to your inner world, not just your behaviors.

• Diffuse shame. Brené Brown’s research shows that shame grows in silence. Naming fears weakens shame’s grip.

But unprocessed fear can also:

• Trigger defensiveness. If one partner shares fear as accusation (“I’m afraid you’re going to ruin us financially”), it can provoke blame cycles.

• Fuel helplessness. Repeating fears without tools to address them can reinforce stuckness.

The key is how we share. Are we sharing to seek connection? To understand ourselves better? Or to offload our anxiety without owning it?

Fear and Financial Intimacy, The Both/And Reality

At Healthy Love & Money, we often say that financial intimacy is the process of growing together through the shared emotional, psychological, and logistical challenges money brings.

Fears are part of that journey.

We hear it all the time from clients:

• “I didn’t want to burden them with my fears.”

• “It’s my responsibility to handle this, budgeting, investing, earning more...”

While these statements may sound noble or self-reliant, they often mask deeper emotional blocks. This sense of solo responsibility, especially around finances, can become a hidden barrier to connection in intimate relationships. It’s the very thing that keeps many partners stuck in silence and isolation, even when they long for emotional support.

But here’s the truth, being in a committed relationship means you don’t have to carry your fears alone.

It’s okay to say, “I’m afraid we won’t be able to afford college for the kids.”

It’s also okay to say, “I notice I keep repeating my dad’s financial habits, and it scares me.”

And it’s powerful to hear your partner respond, “Thanks for sharing that with me. Let’s figure it out together.”

When fears are acknowledged and then held together as a couple, they lose their power to isolate. They become shared burdens. And when they’re paired with new frameworks, catch the ball, not don’t drop it, they can become fuel for growth.

Research Backs This Up

A few key findings that support this both/and approach:

• Attachment theory shows that secure relationships allow us to process fear and stress more effectively. Sharing fear with a safe partner reduces cortisol and boosts oxytocin, literally helping us calm down and connect.

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) research (Johnson, 2004) demonstrates that naming vulnerable emotions (like fear) in couple communication deepens emotional bonds.

• Cognitive-behavioral studies highlight that reframing negative self-talk (e.g., from “don’t mess up” to “you’re learning and growing”) leads to improved performance and well-being.

• Narrative psychology reminds us that the stories we tell ourselves and each other shape our emotional reality and future actions.

A New Practice for Couples

If you and your partner are carrying fears, about money, about your future, about whether you’re doing “enough,” try this simple exercise:

1. Name the Fear
   Each person shares one fear they’ve been holding.

2. Name the Need
   Ask, “What do you need from me when you feel that fear?”

3. Reframe Together
   Practice saying a more supportive, present-focused phrase to yourself and each other.

Instead of: “Don’t screw this up.”
Try: “I’m learning. I’m not alone in this.”

Instead of: “We’ll never figure this out.”
Try: “We’re growing through this together.”

Final Thoughts: Fears Are Not the Enemy

Fears are not something to avoid or suppress. They are signals, signs that something important needs attention.

When we hide our fears, they fester. When we frame them negatively, they grow. But when we bring them into the light with care, support, and wisdom, they can transform into points of connection and courage.

So yes, you may still drop the ball now and then. We all do.

But maybe, just maybe, you’ll also learn to catch it more often, especially when someone you love is cheering you on.