What’s Driving You: Security or Shame in Relationships and Money

We all have a drive—an engine humming beneath the surface of our daily choices. It manifests in how we relate to our partners, how we manage our finances, and how we plan our futures. But the real question is: what’s driving your engine? Is it the calm, steady fuel of emotional security? Or is it the shaky, unpredictable fire of shame?

This distinction between being driven by security or by shame can quietly define the trajectory of your financial life and your most intimate relationships.

Shame: The Hidden Engine Behind So Many Behaviors

Let’s start with shame. Not the obvious kind where someone calls you out in front of a crowd, but the quiet, insidious kind that says:

• You’re not doing enough.

• You should have known better.

• You’re falling behind.

• You’re a burden.

Shame is often at the root of other difficult emotions—fear, anger, anxiety, even sadness. Psychologists like Dr. Brené Brown have shown us that shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” According to neurobiologist Dr. Allan Schore, shame is one of the earliest and most deeply ingrained emotions in human development.

It’s no surprise, then, that when we feel financially stressed or emotionally disconnected in our relationships, shame often slips into the driver’s seat.

How Shame Shows Up in Relationships

In couples, shame can sound like:

• “Why can’t you just be better with money?”

• “I don’t want to talk about the budget because I always mess things up.”

• “I hate feeling like the responsible one all the time.”

People driven by shame often react with withdrawal, defensiveness, over-controlling behavior, or people-pleasing. Their financial conversations feel charged, personal, and challenging to sustain. One partner might feel judged and shut down. The other might feel alone and resentful. The emotional thermostat of the relationship starts to swing wildly.

How Shame Drives Financial Behavior

Financially, shame can show up as:

• Avoiding the truth about spending or debt

• Obsessively monitoring accounts or market performance

• Under-earning despite having the capacity to earn more

• Overspending to keep up with others or compensate for insecurity

• Hiding purchases or financial decisions

Research by Tangney, Stuewig, and Mashek (2007) found that shame is linked to maladaptive behaviors, including denial, blame, and withdrawal—patterns we often see in money avoidance or secrecy. When we’re driven by shame, we’re not truly making financial decisions—we’re reacting to emotional pain.

Listening for the Quiet Inner Narrative

One of the most powerful skills you can develop on the journey from shame to security is learning to listen for the quiet internal narrative.

Some call it the inner critic, others the shame voice, or simply the internalized story. It’s that subtle, often unnoticed script running in the background of your thoughts, especially when something goes wrong or you feel exposed. It sounds like:

• “You’re going to mess this up.”

• “They’re going to find out you’re not actually good with money.”

• “You’re too much… or maybe not enough.”

• “You should have figured this out by now.”

This voice is quiet but relentless. It can be so familiar that we mistake it for the truth. But it’s not the truth, it’s a story born from earlier wounds, often rooted in childhood experiences of disconnection, criticism, or fear.

In financial life, this inner narrative might whisper every time you log into your bank account. In relationships, it might arise when your partner asks a question, and you interpret it as an accusation.

Learning to hear this voice is the first step in loosening its grip. When you start to recognize the tone, the timing, and the emotional charge of your inner narrative, you create space. Space to question it. Space to speak back with compassion. Space to choose a different response.

Research in self-compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff shows that cultivating awareness of your inner dialogue and responding with kindness rather than judgment can significantly reduce shame and increase emotional resilience.

The goal isn’t to eliminate the inner critic. The goal is to hear it without obeying it, and over time, to invite a new internal voice: one grounded in truth, compassion, and secure connection.

Security: A Different Kind of Fuel

Now, let’s contrast that with security, the kind that attachment theory describes as feeling safe, seen, and soothed in relationship with others. When we’re securely attached, we trust that we’re okay, even if we make mistakes. We trust that our partner is a teammate, not a judge. We trust that money is a tool, not a test of our worth.

People driven by security are grounded. They can:

• Slow down and reflect on their decisions

• Engage in honest, non-defensive financial conversations

• Accept feedback without collapsing into shame

• Stay curious about their partner’s experience

• See money as a shared resource to steward together

Emotionally secure couples often have what Dr. Sue Johnson calls “secure functioning.” Their emotional bond is strong enough to handle hard conversations. They don’t need perfection from each other. They need presence.

How Do You Shift From Shame to Security?

First, notice the feeling. If your chest tightens when your partner asks about spending, or your heart races when you think about retirement planning, take that as a cue: shame may be trying to drive.

Second, cultivate curiosity instead of criticism. Ask yourself:

• “What am I really afraid of here?”

• “Where did I learn this money pattern?”

• “What am I needing emotionally in this moment?”

Third, bring it into the relationship. This is vulnerable but healing. Try saying:

• “I think I’m shutting down because I feel ashamed.”

• “I’m afraid you’ll see me as irresponsible.”

• “I want to be open, but I need you to stay with me if I get overwhelmed.”

Fourth, do the inner work. Whether through therapy, coaching, or guided financial planning, turning toward your own emotional history helps you disentangle shame from your financial identity.

 Final Thought: Your Drives Shape Your Destiny

Whether in love or in money, what’s driving you matters. Shame will keep you reactive, hidden, and exhausted. Security will allow you to be open, collaborative, and resilient.

There’s no shame in having shame, but there is incredible strength in learning how to recognize it and shift the gears.

When you and your partner can name what’s underneath the financial tension, you open the door to something far greater than a balanced budget: a secure connection.

Ready to Move from Shame to Security?

If this article resonates with you and you’re ready to explore how these patterns show up in your own relationship and finances, you don’t have to do it alone.

At Healthy Love and Money, our team of therapy-informed financial planners and financial therapists is here to walk with you, whether you're feeling stuck in financial conflict, avoiding hard conversations, or just longing for more emotional connection and clarity around money.

👉 Schedule a consultation today and take the first step toward creating a more secure, connected, and confident financial life—together.