The Human Search for Safety

When life feels uncertain, overwhelming, or out of control, human beings naturally seek clarity. Rigid religious systems, political ideologies, and even strict financial rules can provide that clarity. They promise certainty: This is right, this is wrong. Follow these rules and you will be safe.

For many people — and often for whole generations — this structure is not just attractive, it is lifesaving. Parents who grew up in chaos or unpredictability often cling to clear rules as a way of protecting themselves and their children. They are seeking something deeply human: psychological safety.

Religious studies and the psychology of religion remind us that we are not only searching for truth — we are searching for belonging, protection, and order.

My Own Journey Through Rigidity

I came to appreciate this reality out of my own confusion and frustration. I had a very hard time reconciling the “truths” of my liberal upbringing and my conservative young adulthood. Each group spoke with such conviction and clarity about what they believed and why it was important to believe that way.

Getting pulled into either/or thinking, I eventually realized I needed to learn how to think in terms of both/and. I had to walk through my own moral and psychological development to feel a greater sense of ease in a world full of diverse religious and political ideals.

That process was not quick. It meant a lot of reading, more than a few bouts of outrage (mostly directed at my journal), and long hours of reflection. It also meant seeking out conversations with people who had crossed these psychological bridges before me. Spiritual directors, therapists, and mature mentors became guides.

For me, discovering James Fowler’s Stages of Faith was a lifeline. His framework gave language to what I was experiencing: that we grow through stages of belief, moving from rigid rules to more flexible and nuanced perspectives.

What I’ve learned is that it is in the deep questioning and wrestling with hard truths that we do the mental bicep curls and tricep dips of moral development. Slowly, we gain strength to appreciate the paradoxes of belief systems — that they can be both true and not true simultaneously.

And now, when I talk with my wife about money, I notice how our own belief systems shape the way we approach each other. I’m more able to see not just what we believe about money, but why — and that makes space for empathy, connection, and collaboration.

The Promise and the Limitation of Rigidity

Psychologists like Fowler and Lawrence Kohlberg (Moral Development Theory) showed that humans often begin their moral lives by relying on external authority and rigid rules. At these stages, clarity feels like safety.

But what begins as protection can harden into constraint. The very walls that shield us from chaos can later prevent growth, complexity, and authentic connection.

And this is not only a “conservative” phenomenon. Research confirms that rigidity shows up across the ideological spectrum:

• Jonathan Haidt’s Moral Foundations Theory highlights that both conservatives and progressives hold deep moral “sacred values.” Conservatives may emphasize loyalty, authority, or purity; progressives may absolutize fairness, justice, or inclusion.

• Recent studies on ideological rigidity (Salvi et al., 2023; Tsitseli et al., 2023) show that when people feel threatened, they are more likely to double down on rigid moral reasoning — regardless of political or religious affiliation.

The takeaway? Rigidity is not about which side you are on. It is about the structure of how you hold your values.

A Multi-Generational Story of Safety and Rigidity

Picture a family where the parents grew up in financial chaos — maybe a childhood marked by debt collectors, unpaid bills, or an unpredictable household. In adulthood, they found a strict religious community that preached “Never borrow money” and “Always give 10% to the church.” For them, those rules provided order and dignity. They were a shield against chaos.

Now imagine their adult children. Raised with those same rules, they may feel suffocated by them. They want more nuance: to save but also to travel, to give but also to invest in their children’s education. They long for flexibility, but they carry the inherited anxiety of chaos. They are caught between gratitude for the stability their parents built and frustration at the rigidity that feels like a cage.

This is the reality many couples face: each partner brings not only their own beliefs, but also the unresolved legacies of generations.

Couples and the Clash of Moral Maps

In intimate relationships, these moral legacies often surface most vividly around money:

• One partner clings to strict budgeting or saving rules, convinced that financial disaster lurks around every corner.

• The other partner insists on generosity, spontaneity, or fairness, bristling against what feels like control.

Neither is “wrong.” Both are trying to feel safe. But when rigidity rules the conversation, couples become stuck in endless conflict rather than moving toward shared flourishing.

From Rigidity to Flexible Safety

The good news is that safety doesn’t have to come from rigid systems alone. Couples can learn to build a deeper, more flexible sense of safety — one rooted in trust, connection, and shared purpose.

Here are some starting points:

• Name the inherited rules. What moral or financial “absolutes” did you inherit from your family or community?

• Honor their purpose. Ask: How did these rules once provide safety? Validating their history creates compassion.

• Discern their limits. Which rules still protect and guide you? Which ones now confine you?

• Co-create flexible practices. Develop shared financial habits that honor both partners’ needs for safety and freedom — a balance of structure and adaptability.

Reflection Questions for Couples

1. Where do you find yourself seeking safety in rigid rules or systems — religious, political, financial, or otherwise?

2. How have these systems served you in times of uncertainty? How have they constrained you?

3. In what ways could you and your partner create a shared sense of safety that allows for both clarity and flexibility?

Closing Thought

Rigid systems of belief and behavior whether conservative or progressive, religious or secular, financial or political are not mistakes. They are often acts of love and survival. But flourishing as a couple means eventually moving beyond rigidity. By honoring the safety that rules once provided and cultivating flexibility, couples can return to a deeper sense of psychological safety. And from that place, financial growth and relational intimacy naturally follow.