Is Your Attachment Style impacting Your Financial Intimacy?

Our romantic relationships involve navigating money together. In close relationships, we can develop financial intimacy to do this. This involves learning to talk about the functional side of money and our emotional needs to make financial decisions together as a couple. The good news is that we have attachment theory on our side. Our early experiences in caregiving with our primary caregiver sets up our own attachment style People have different attachment styles, meaning they view their relationships differently. 

Knowing your attachment style and partners can help you understand your intimate relationships and communicate more effectively, making you more financially intimate. One of the leading researchers on adult attachment styles, Phillip Shaver, has shown that as adults, we can overcome early childhood experiences of unhealthy behaviors and develop stable relationships, leading to emotional closeness and emotional intimacy in our adult relationships. The theory of attachment styles relies on understanding profoundly how interpersonal relationships shape individual differences in the way we experience relationships. 

Secure vs. Insecure Attachment

Secure attachment is characterized by a sense of trust in both yourself and others, while insecure attachment is marked by relational doubt. 

Securely attached people share traits such as consistency and vulnerability; they’re open to receiving love, providing emotional support, demonstrate a sense of responsibility toward their loved ones, and respond positively to being cared for. They typically do not have a fear of abandonment and enjoy time with family members and close friends. 

Conversely, insecurely attached people are less likely to be consistent in their caregiving patterns. They can be overinvolved in caregiving or neglectful of providing adequate caregiving. They can struggle with low self-esteem and constantly fear not having their own needs met. They may be consumed by past experiences or deny that the past impacts them. 

People with a more secure attachment style have learned that those who love them will stay with them even when they make mistakes. As a result, they feel comfortable taking risks and can weather failure more quickly than those with an insecure attachment style. They often talk about having high levels of relational trust.

Anxious vs. Avoidant

Insecure attachment comes in two primary patterns: anxious-preoccupied attachment style and fearful-avoidant attachment style.

These can become primary attachment styles that they live their love life through. Anxious attachment can manifest as a preoccupation with keeping up with the Joneses, irresponsible financial behaviors, a constant desire to ensure the relationship's stability and a feeling of abandonment at any sign of what may be perceived as relationship unavailability. People with an anxious attachment style may also see themselves as being codependent or needing a co-pilot in their relationship. They often describe having lower levels of relational trust.

On the other hand, an avoidant attachment may lead partners to make all decisions related to financial planning without allowing for communication. People with avoidant styles are often described as independent, self-sufficient, aloof, or cold. They can misperceive the levels of relational trust that are available to them. 

Disorganized

The last type of insecure attachment is disorganized attachment. People with disorganized attachment come from inconsistent caregiving and have anxious and avoidant attachment patterns. People with disorganized attachment often had parents who were inconsistently available to meet their emotional and relational needs. They will have significant trust issues in relationships. 

Starting to Build Relational Trust Around Money

The first step is understanding your current level of money-related relational trust. Think about how you’d rate your current level of trust on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being no trust at all and 10 I completely trust my partner. 

When building relational trust, you can ask yourself how much it will take for your partner (or potential partner) to reach a given number on your scale before trusting them with a part of your financial life. 

For example, if you currently have a low level of trust, then maybe your partner needs to get up to at least a four before they can do something like make online payments on your behalf or for your household. But if you have high levels of trust and they start at 6 or 7, then they might not need as much trust development before they can make online payments on behalf of you or your household.

You can use 1 to 10 scoring in each significant area and sub-area of your shared financial life together. It may not be a complete mistrust of your partner in all money areas, but in some areas more than others. 

Working on building nuance in understanding your trust with your partner and then finding a path towards building confidence in all the areas of your financial life together is essential to fostering financial intimacy. 

The Importance of Healing Attachment Wounds

Healing attachment wounds matters. You can heal from past rejection and hurtful and threatening relationships. These are often the precursors to insecure attachment.  With insecure attachment, our financial communication will be adversely impacted. 

Please remember that relational trust is developed with healthy relationship experiences. For those with an insecure attachment, it is much more than just making proclamations of being trustworthy to reassure your partner or yourself. It often involves doing interior work on your sense of self. 

Working with you and your partner's attachment style doesn't have to be done alone. Therapy Informed Financial Planning can help. Book your free 30-minute discovery call today to learn how Therapy-Informed Financial Planning can help you. 

Wishing You Healthy Love and Money,

Ed Coambs,

MBA, MA, MS, CFP®, CFT-I™, LMFT

HealthyLoveandMoney.com